As told to Ann Degrey
I have known my roommate Amy* for several years; she is a close friend of my aunt and when she moved to brisbane i needed someone to help pay the rent so it felt natural to let her move in with me. We got along pretty well and it was really nice to have someone I could trust in the house, especially since I’ve been struggling with anxiety for quite some time.
My medicine had been my lifeline. My pills helped me control the terrible emotions that used to paralyze me, so I never thought I had reason to doubt anything about them.
I have struggled with crippling anxiety for as long as I can remember. As a child I was always worried, always hiding behind my mother and afraid to go to school. As I got older, the anxiety got much worse. Constant worry, racing thoughts and that horrible feeling of dread became my everyday reality. It was quite exhausting and my anxiety was affecting every part of my life – my work, my relationships and even my ability to do simple things like the weekly shopping. I also found it really hard to stay in a relationship, as every man I’d been with couldn’t handle my panic attacks or just thought I was weird.
Watch: Lifestyle hacks to try to help with anxiety. Post continues after video.
When I finally went to a specialist and got the right medication I felt like a weight had been lifted in so many ways. For the first time in years, I felt like I could breathe freely again. The constant tension subsided and I was able to focus on living instead of fussing like I had been.
I felt like myself again and my life slowly began to improve. I was able to reach out to friends without constant fear, and even small tasks no longer seemed like major obstacles. I could do pretty much anything, shop, play sports, catch up with friends and deal with the office. Getting the right treatment had been a lifesaver, so when I noticed my symptoms creeping back, I was sad. My anxiety attacks came back and I couldn’t understand why. Maybe I needed a stronger drug?
The relief I once felt was disappearing and I didn’t understand why. At first I thought it was just a bad week. I still didn’t understand because the pills had always worked so well. It wasn’t like I was doing anything different – I was taking them as prescribed, sticking to my routine, but I could feel myself spiraling. It was like all the progress I was making was crumbling—until I discovered what was happening.
It wasn’t until one random afternoon that I caught Amy in our shared bathroom, fiddling with my pill bottle.
“What are you doing with my medicine?” I asked. She immediately looked guilty but tried to brush it off, saying she was just moving it. But I wasn’t buying it. I pressed her and finally she admitted, “I’ve been taking some of your pills.”
She told me she was worried that she too had anxiety and thought my medication might help her. To make up for what she had taken, she had switched my anti-anxiety pills for regular headache pills, hoping I wouldn’t notice. So she had effectively left me with a placebo – no wonder my meds didn’t work if I just had simple headache meds.
“I can’t believe you messed with my meds. You know how much I need them!” She looked very sheepish and wouldn’t look me in the eye.
“I’m sorry… I just thought maybe it could help me too. I didn’t think it was a big deal.”
Her excuse was that she was curious, and while I understand what it’s like to deal with anxiety, that didn’t make what she did okay. Messing with someone’s medication is dangerous and it puts my health at risk. I couldn’t wrap my head around this behavior. Why the hell couldn’t she just go to the doctor like me?
Listen to No Filter as Mia Freedman is joined by Dr Jodie Lowinger to talk about how anxiety manifests itself, what causes it and what people who suffer from it can do to treat it. Post continues after podcast.
I was angry with her. In that moment I knew there was no way to fix this. Trust was gone, especially when it came to something as personal and essential as health. If she was messing with my anxiety meds, I wonder what else she could be doing behind my back?
After that I knew I couldn’t live with her anymore. I asked her to leave, and she asked me to forgive her and let her stay, but I stood firm. There was no way I wanted a person like her living in my house.
*Name has been changed for privacy reasons.
The author of this story is known to Mamamia but remained anonymous for privacy reasons.
If you think you or someone you know may be struggling with depression or another mental health problem, please contact your GP. If you are based in Australia, 24 hour support is available through Lifeline by phone 13 11 14 or beyond blue on phone 1300 22 4636.
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